Letting go creates space to receive the new, the true the real love, that everyone deserves to experience……The love of self, the love of others, the love of LIFE!! The past few weeks I’ve been hit with loss, gain, sadness,and happiness......as I experience all these emotions I could actually feel my heart tighten and release……let go, let in……..I’ve learned some valuable knowledge about myself along the way…How to listen to my inner most self, honor what I hear and learn what I don’t understand…
The summer I left Connecticut, a very REAL relationship came crumbling to a end……I had these two wonderful friends (my sister girlfriends), if you saw one of us, the other two were sure to be close behind. They’re mirror twins, and mirror twins they were…One was always spunky…strong mind and attitude “I’m not taking any crap” she would say….. And the other more like, yea, ok, whatever, “who cares“ was her attitude…..The three of us shared so much of life together, the relationship stories, laughs, fun, tears, fears and insecurities….LIFE!! I remember that time of life…….we were all changing, my desire to relocate away from my comfort zone was really beginning to nag at me. Our club hoping party, party, day’s were quickly coming to a end, and our regular vacation trips were becoming a distant memory as the reality of growing up was hitting us all.
Back then fear of a situation especially one of loss would send me into a fit of verbal anger, even when my actual feelings were just that the fear of loss. I’ve always been a person who speaks honestly, but along the way I’ve learned and embraced “it’s not what you say it’s how you say it”……….I don’t remember the exact words, but I do remember the role I played in the conversation that lead us into not speaking for almost ten years……..I walked away and externally never looked back, internally holding onto it for all these years……….I remember my pops saying to me at the time “you should never let real friendships like that go”, I knew then he was right……but I was not……so our fifteen year sister friendship was left to smolder out. I just put it all away for the first five years, I had begun this journey of growth, and…….let’s just say, there was so much growth that I needed to achieve, before I could look at this, or better yet even realize that I need to take a look at my role in the situation.
In the past three weeks I’ve had to let go of two relationships….not family, romantic or close friend relationships…..but relationships all the same……One was extremely difficult to let go of and the other was an obvious necessity, and they both stopped me in my tracks within weeks apart. I have to put myself first, that may come across as selfish to some…But, I’ve learned and continue to learn when it’s all said and done one must honor thy self first…….No matter how much my reaction may surpass my emotion, I must honor my mind, body and spirit first…..If I cannot honor myself first there is no possible way I can honor another, if something is harboring within it just holds space tightens around the heart, not allowing room for anything or anyone else to enter…..I can remember that feeling of tightness within, I don’t like it, so I choose not to live with it………I without fear, insecurity or hard feelings let these two relationships go.
So, I joined the world of facebook a little over a year ago…..My first name searches were of these two friends….no luck…..I would try again every few months, so you can imagine my surprise when I put one of their names in facebook search June 27, 2010 and a profile popped up!! I was like…..Ohhhh, my gosh…and many other adjectives flew out my mouth…..OK, I thought, ten years was long ago, I certainly don’t have anything but love for them in my heart…..And knowing them like I remember, I’m sure they have nothing but love for me….I press the send friend request…..
June 28 at 10:16am……My dear friend responds with nothing but love for me!!! We catch up via emails and set a phone date…….July 3 at 7:35 pm my dear friend and I would talk, laugh, cry, reminisce, laugh, cry, promise to never lose touch, make plans for the holidays……July 3 8:55 pm, I would speak with my other dear friend and my first conversation to a large degree would mirror my first! I realized as we chatted, how much I’ve REALLY missed them….I’m very aware of the self growth it has taken to allow me to be here, I’m at peace with waiting so long……. and I smile and embrace the sense of peace that has washed over me….I’m Sooooo excited to renew our friendships, I can’t wait to meet their children and love on them dearly, I look forward to seeing their parents and spouses….BUT, most of all I look forward to seeing my dear friends and sharing a long hug, and much LOVE!!!
After speaking with the two of them my heart felt lighter, like some actual space had been created, like some growth had taken place…….I like that feeling….I want to keep surrounding myself with that……So I choose to honor thy self first allowing me to honor others from a place of full awareness, mind, body and soul......
Gina & Lori…… I LOVE YOU!!
Peace & Friendship
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