Sometimes life can leave me feeling lost, ungrounded, not focused and antsy……Usually I count on my daily meditation and yoga practice to stabilize things. This summer has come with a bunch of ups, downs and surprises and I’ve been feeling kind of lost and really, really home sick.
Thursday I talked to my sister Jean and as always we have the most amazing conversations even when we don’t agree, we still keep it healthy and we both hang up learning a bit more about ourselves and each other. During the conversation I say “I’m really not feeling grounded lately” She wants to know exactly what I mean....well, as I’ve recently mentioned, I can feel in the pit of myself that its time for a significant change, I have may ideas of what I want the change to consist of…..but, there lies the problem.....I have many, many, many, ideas of the changes I want to be and see…..that’s usually where I start getting antsy and unfocused, my go getter leadership personality allows me to leap into action and take charge....but I'll fall back quickly if the team I’m working with is not up to par. I started a adventure recently with someone and quickly began to feel that it was a bad decision…….I work hard, leaving not much room for error…..and make no apologies for that. I take much pride in my work, taking time to analyze, research and visualize the plan internally before bringing it to life. Many have criticized me for this way of putting plan into action, but for me it works, if I can't feel or see excellence as the outcome I go back the drawing board within and begin to correct, rebuild and reorganize my ideas so when I put them out into the world I’m 100% proud of my work……..
Now just because I love that attribute about myself, it does not mean I can’t understand others not functioning like that. Well my adventure with this other person started to disrupt my meditation , my yoga practice and my sleep……..I had to let that go!! About a week after that I was left with mixed emotions and took to my yoga mat, which always helps, but my meditation was off……I began to notice every external factor while meditating, the nose itch, the feet falling asleep, the smell of the burning incense tickling my nose, the sounds of the early morning city…..everything except for my breath and internal self, I don’t like this feeling, my sleep is affected, I become emotional and begin to feel way to vulnerable to the universe. I needed to get a hold of this……after sharing all of this with my sister she states “meditate”….. WHAT!?! I think to myself.....I meditate daily…..did you not hear or understand anything I just said to you…..”Toni” she says into the phone….I mutter “what”? “meditate” she repeats……”take it to the mat and meditate” , “ I do! I am” I snap back into her ear…….silence…..”Toni your all over the place” she says “take it to the mat, meditate” she repeats. I take a few audible breaths, and though I want to continue on the don’t you hear me road, I know exactly what she is saying. “You make me sick” I say, we both laugh, “I love you” I say, “I love you too Toni” she responds.
I decide to write in my journal right after that conversation and I immediately was writing with more awareness than the previous days where my hand writing was illegible and clearly showing my racing thoughts. I slowed down and attempted to decipher what I had written the previous week and began to laugh out loud as my racing thoughts were now staring back at me. I decided to get up and go take a look at my vision board, standing in front of the refrigerator staring at my board, I take a few more deep breaths, smiled at myself a little for the accomplishments made, and think back to January when I put the board up……glancing over board, I start feel its time to accomplish certain goals NOW, ASAP!! I stop take a breath, giggle within and turn away. I light a incense burn some sage, put the tea pot on low and head to my yoga mat……I begin with meditation, it takes me longer than I like to ground into my meditation, but I breathe my way out of irritation and settle into my breath and myself, I move into a beautiful practice, listening to my body and moving with my breath, forward folds, twist, back bends and inversions guide me into a very peaceful savasana…….90 minutes later I arise to the low whistle of my tea pot, feeling CLEANSED. I've let go of my attachment to the lost adventure and decide when the time is right I will revisit it and will do it solo….realizing my expectations from others can be very demanding, especially when it comes to putting out heart felt excellence, I gently reminded myself that just because I’m very passionate about a idea does not mean others are. I also realize I can and put the plan into motion myself, I just needed to let go….attachment to the fear of failure had sent me out seeking another to work with. I’m all about partnership, but some things are so personal and consist of different levels of passion and commitment that it’s best to do them on your own…..This was one of those time…….In time…..I say aloud….. in time. The next day I hop on my bike and RIDE! Peddling away the remnants of mixed emotions and attachment to plans I RIDE, I RELEASE….
I have three different email accounts, one of which I NEVER check….my inner self kept nagging me to check that email account, I began to hear that inner voice about a week before I actually checked it. Knowing it would be a process because I did not remember my login name or password and I have low tolerance for the “type in your email address and we’ll send you instructions to change your password”…. Ughhhh … small task I know, but annoying all the same……OK, by Thursday my inner voice began screaming at me CHECK THAT EMAIL!! So with some annoyance I retrieve my new login information and sign in to my lost account……….My mouth drops open as I began to read …….“Hi Toni, J.P. introduced me to you a few months ago and here T.R. gave me your info again today. All roads seem to lead to you! “………..I take a breath and continue to read…………We have a sponsorship with the Black Women’s Expo on the 7th and 8th , I would like for you to teach a class and share the philosophy with our stressed out sisters at the expo on Saturday and Sunday and I’d also like you to participate in a seminar that Dr. Miller is designing called “Too Blessed to Be Stressed”……..I blink, breathe, re-read, blink, breathe, re-read……..The email ends with……”If interested please contact me tomorrow.”
“IF INTERESTED”!?! I say out loud…..I glance at the clock…..darn its to late to call this eve…..I then jump to my feet and do my happy, happy, oh soooo happy dance….I call Jean….We do the happy, happy, cries together…..I sleep well that night!
I love to speak, I love to teach, I love to help others become a better them in any way I possibly can…..That being said, I only do any of the above from my own life experiences, I know who I was, who I’ve become and though I have no attachment to who I will ultimately be, I know the journey I’m on is better than the one I was on ten years ago…..Sharing my stories, yoga, and wellness with others is written all over my vision board!! The next day I call and receive the details about the event, and I’m feeling so peaceful within, I guess it was obvious because the woman who contacted me says “I can tell your very passionate about this” …….“YES, I AM“! I say.
I’m so looking forward to being part of The Black Women’s Expo on August 7th & 8th. We as people need to take better care of not only our physical selves, but our mental and spiritual selves, gently guiding ourselves into beautiful healthy souls, from the inside out! I’ve said it before, and will continue to say it......listen to that inner self, set goals, aim to reach them! Embrace the moments of doubt, insecurity and even a little fear, allow yourself to acknowledge….and heck……even indulge in those emotions for a minute…….Then move on, if you don’t have a vision board, MAKE ONE! And honor it, acknowledge it, change it! Know what you desire to do to help create a better world, a better place to live, not only for yourself (which is OK) but for others especially our children of the world, today and tomorrow…..A better you helps to create a better them……Mind, body, and spirit!
"You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his or her own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful." ~Marie Curie
Peace,
Yogatones
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