It's been a long time....

It’s been a long time……..






Since I last blogged……I could give a million excuses, but that’s all they are, excuses. I realize once life get’s hectic I fall back from letting go and began to hold on to things, good and bad. I hold on to the good to cope with the bad and I hold onto the bad…..because I do…..BUT I continue to work on that.



May was a month of many emotions. It began with a beautiful trip to FL meeting up with my sister and my nieces, it was exactly what I needed. I had time to chill out and relax, and love on my family, I spent some very precious moments with my two nieces and it feels great to have them talk to me so freely knowing that our conversations are between us. My sister and I have such a wonderful relationship and she allows her girls to have a relationship with me that is sacred to each of us…….I’m typing and starting to have flash backs of the trip, and I’m smiling so deep within, but I also feel a little teary eyed……



As wonderful as the trip was, I arrived back in Chicago and began feeling a great sense of loneliness set in. It happens every time I spend time with my family, so I deal with it and move on, but this time it just lingered a little longer…….One of my nieces and I really had some heart to heart conversations and she stated “ I wish you still lived in CT”, my response “ I’m always near if you need me baby” In my heart I know one day I want to live closer, not CT but much closer than Chicago. So then I began to wonder what am I still doing here? I’m in transition perhaps…..I don’t know….you see I’m not feeling grounded in life at the moment I’m feeling just a bit antsy, like it’s time to move on, but I have no destination in mind……..As I’m dealing with those emotions, a close member of my family endures another health set back, it was minor but a set back all the same……I ask myself again, what am I doing here……I still don’t have a answer.



My birthday comes and I’m feeling great! I absolutely love my birthday, I feel blessed each time I’m able to celebrate another year of living……It’s also a time of great reflection and a time for me to really get in myself and cleanse my soul. I begin celebrating a month before my birthday and the celebration last until a month after…..Because it’s my birthday and no one can tell me how to celebrate my life!! In this time of reflection I search for my rationale for still living in Chicago, and I decide it’s because I’m happy here…..I tell myself the loneliness is a normal occurrence after spending time with my loved ones. Still, I ask what am I doing here……I call my sister and we have a long conversation about it, she thinks I’m being a little harsh on myself as I explain how I feel as though I’ve not grown much since walking away from my bedside nursing career, she accuses me of being to hard on myself and asks me to stop and take a look at all I’ve accomplished since then, “not enough I say”, she disagrees and I begin to think about the past three years and all that has taken place, ”not enough” I say again, and my sister responds “lighten up on yourself” “You made a major life change and you’ve been actively working towards your goals” , she continues “It’s not like you’ve been sitting around waiting for life to happen” by now I’m sobbing in the phone, “don’t be so hard on yourself” she say’s……silence on both ends……

I think about that conversation with my sister for day’s…..I think about my ill family member, as I move through my daily yoga practice, I think about my nieces and nephews, as I lie in savasana, I think, I think, I think…….When I can’t think about it anymore I meditate on it, and slowly I begin to let it go. I’ve created my life as it is today and I have much I want to accomplish, I know it’s normal to go through all the emotions I’m experiencing so I decide to let myself go through them. Bike The Drive is the next event in the month of May, and it was like good medicine sent my way. I did some long training rides which allowed me to peddle, sweat and let go, I always find my center when I’m one with nature, and to be on my bike peddling without a destination along the lake taking breaks to dip my feet in the water and soak up the sun, is just……Ahhhhh.



I became aware of the Oprah OWN network challenge just around the time of Bike The Drive, and I immediately decide I’m going to submit a video! I began putting my show idea together in my head and rehearsed my video audition in my bathroom mirror daily, I would practice as I rode my bike, and I even taped myself using my blackberry, each time deleting the video, thinking….ewww, no that’s not it. As I sat down at the lake on that overcast day in June to shoot the video, I was feeling good……Paul the producer and editor of the video was amazing he was honest with his thoughts and forthcoming with suggestions, he kept the energy light and fun! It began to rain before we got all the footage, so Paul made shelter under a tree, as I put my rain poncho on and walked in the rain barefoot reciting my presentation, I wanted to remain as fresh and alive as I was in the first shot, the rain showers became full blown rain storms! We decided to pack up and leave, I could tell as a producer Paul was not satisfied with the footage and me as the contestant knew I could give better than I had. As we slowly began to pack things up the rain came down harder, and the winds picked up, my skirt was soaked and the bottom covered in mud, I was freezing and the thought of my bike ride home just made me want to sit down in that wet grass and throw the biggest tantrum EVER! Paul offered to put my bike in the car and drive me home……. “I really wanted a few more shots” he say’s as we walk toward the car, my front tire needs to come off in order for my bike to fit in the car….”do you think you can make something out of what we have?” I ask, as he removes the tire, “umm, yea” Paul say’s…..I know that he is trying to make me feel better at this point…….“Mother Nature come on” I say, and within the next five minutes as my bike is secured in the car, my feet covered in mud and my hair just at the point of no return with frizz, the sun come out! Just like that……Paul and I look at each other and he say’s “let’s get that shot” , “really” I say, smiling from ear to ear,“yes”, “but you gotta nail it” he responds. As he set’s the camera up I say to my self “you gotta kill it “ “one take, and ya gotta kill it”. I kill it!



This video is up and the first part of the competition is nearing a end. I’ve had a blast with the process thus far and I feel as though I have a good of a chance to make it to the next round, I will promote myself until the bitter end, then I will let it go…..Que Sera, Sera





The past two months have reinforced my need to continue living in present time, and letting go of things that I have no control of or perhaps I really don’t want to have control of….. the question of what am I doing here…..well, I’m glad I don’t have a answer for that , I mean I’m happy and healthy and I’m living my dream……The loneliness of not having family near….a real emotion, that I will not ignore, I will turn to my practice, my meditation to help me focus, I will reach out and call my family and I will continue to share and receive photos of them via the wonderful world of social media……..most important I will continue to grow and learn to let go before the build up becomes overwhelming, I can enter my practice each day with the intention of letting go, but if I really don’t let go and honor the peace within……I’ll find myself in this place over, and over again, and growth cannot take place that way……And well, no growth is not a option for me!





Peace