Menolike…..and that’s exactly what happened to me over the past two weeks….I sat at my computer everyday for the past 10 days with the intention to write on my blog, I sat with my personal journal pen in hand, for the same amount of time wanting to write something! And all I could come up with was….ARRRGGGHHHHHH!!!! I’m locked I thought….What’s locking me up I asked myself……Life is good, things are moving along, I’ve been happily busy….so….’Sup, I wondered……
I’m really good at, and working on NOT being good at holding stuff in, I mean the real stuff……I enter my mat each morning with a clear mind…..so I think…..not holding on to stuff…..so I like to believe….but when I get to a place like the last two weeks I realize all is NOT good…….I’m my worst critic, not harsh critic but a real loving critic to myself, I love challenges and when I’m not challenging myself I get antsy…..NOT COOL!!
Thinking back to the Nursing celebration and the honor I received……I left the event so inspired, but at the same time feeling like a slacker. Here I was in a room full of AMAZING Black women! And my inner voice started asking what are you doing here, did they really select you to sit among this group of accomplished women?? Is this a joke….where’s Ashton Kutcher to tell me I’ve been punked!???! I mean, women after women had these amazing accomplishments and here I sat in the mix with no comparable accomplishments……..I laughed with friends that I was the first honoree called because I had the least accomplishments…….In truth, I really believe I was there to learn, and absorb all that one can accomplish if they follow there dreams……I ABSOLUTLEY feel deserving of the honor, but keeping it real, I felt like a complete slacker compared to these women……Not to say I’m not proud of myself, but there is more to be done. So I left the event inspired, but a little down on myself, and my body began to respond. My desire and ability to write closed off I began questioning what am I doing……..sigh…….I compared myself to these women….sure did……I even felt non deserving of the honor……sigh…….but in my normal way I tucked those emotions away.
I’ve always been really good at tucking things away, but not this time……everyday I was questioning what are you doing……Others may praise what I do….but after that event I felt like a fraud…..well, I did…….So that sent me into a self-pity party, which is never healthy….my creativity closed off and I became unable to write in my personal journal, and the though of bloging made me a little nauseas. I came to my computer at least five times and began writing only to hit delete……I would move to my personal journal thinking “this is personal” I would be the only one reading it, only to be locked within…..so I gave up on bloging or journaling and decided to take it to my yoga mat…….Sure, after each practice I was left feeling amazing, had some new clarity, but I still had those self judging thoughts lurking within……When I tell you these women were AMAZING! I mean AMAZING! My bio read like a freshmen and their’s…..well, they were clearly seniors!
I’ve never been one to get caught up on age, but as I stood amongst these women who were about 10 years older than me and listened to all their accomplishments, I began to think about myself, my age, my story……sigh…..I began thinking I’m going to be 43 yrs old in three months, and I'm beginning my second career…am I crazy…..I love who I’ve become each year…..but now I was feeling like…well…a slacker…..Arrrrggghhhh!!! Gotta shake this off I said to myself! I know better than comparing myself to others…I knew it was deeper than that…to the mat, no resolve…..to the mat again….no resolve…..Arrrrghhhhhhh! Come on yoga come through!!! Show me some clarity, tell me I’m good!! NOPE, nope, nope!! I began to get tight all over, every imperfection I found within I held onto and thought back to those AMAZING women…..why did the honor me!?! My neck really hurts, my sleep is disturbed, my EGO is shattered…..to the mat with all this self judgment I go day after day….and after each practice I’m still tight! OK, meditation, meditation will get me over this……I meditated in the morning before getting out of bed, I meditate while walking down the street, on the bus, train, in line at the supermarket, before bed …..meditate, meditate, meditate….trying to force some clarity into myself…..NOPE….by now my neck hurts even more, my students need me so I put myself on the burner….not the back burner, just the burner…….
As I open up myself and energy to my students and receive what ever they bring into the studios and to the mat, I initially get a burst of energy, ‘cause I’m helping another and that’s what I love doing……I’m good I began to think…..but when the day is over and I’m on my mat….not so good…..sigh….
I start feeling like I need a change, I need to revive myself change it up a little….I really didn’t know, but I knew that my meditation and yoga practice was keeping me afloat but not relieving me of this self judgment…….I skip my practice with my teacher on Tuesday and head out to change things up a little…..I ended up in a hair braiding salon……I’ve been this curly head chick for five years, long curls, short curls, straight up fro with no curls……I’m over this look, I began to think…..I need a change…but what…weave, braids, wig…what!!! A wonderful male student of mine said “go for it, more the better” as I mentioned I wanted a change…..I thought about his words as I sat in that chair….."do you want me to cut it?" she asked when done……NOPE, I said! I want something I can bounce and toss!
Walking out of the salon I had a little bounce in my step…..but I was still tight! My book selection for the month of February is “Empowering Your Life With YOGA” by Bliss Woods. As I opened the book on the bus ride home from the salon I found myself on chapter eight “Celebration of Your Spirit” The first two paragraphs read “When we came to this earth as infants, we were pure, authentic, and whole. Our spirits were free and boundless. We were open to all possibilities through unconditional love and pure consciousness, which is our spiritual essence and our true nature.” “Somehow, though, as we grew into adulthood our true nature got covered up with mounds of guilt and blankets of self-consciousness. We forgot to keep an inward focus and trust that our intuition would always guide us. Instead, we found ourselves looking outward to others for answers, trusting someone else’s opinion more than we trusted our own." WOW, really, Today I read this!
I arrive home to receive a inbox email from a person I don’t know inviting me to a call to action in regards to our youth…..OK, let me breathe….All who know me well, know my passion lies with the youth, my entire bedside nursing career has been caring for the youth, and has since extended to our troubled youth. So to receive this invite from a total stranger…….Well, I’m not taking it lightly! Of course I will attend!
The change in my look and the invite to the call for action have me pumped! I take to my yoga mat Friday morning with a open heart…..self judgment gone! I pop some Barry White into the CD player at the studio…..YUP, I said Barry White & yoga practice together…I turned up the volume and the heat in the room and LET GO! I moved thru some sun salutations and revisited a few pose I’ve been struggling with added in some balancing asanas and completed the sequence with some abdominal work….. 75 minutes later I laid drenched on my mat feeling like myself again……Confidence check, self worth check, check, self judgment gone…..Let’s get it done! I say out loud……
I need to dance, shake it off let go of this residue that was left over from today’s practice….I headed out to the Ol’ School Dance party with one intention….to DANCE!! I danced alone, I danced with another, I danced with friends I DANCED!!! Shirt soaking DANCE! I closed my eyes and swayed to the music, singing out loud to all the ol’ school tunes, clap and chant the roof, the roof, the roof is on FIYAAA!….I let go on the dance floor…Ahhhhh! I FEEL GOOD!
Today, I enter the meeting and find a seat up front, the panel was full of another group of AMAZING speakers……But this time as I listened and became inspired, I did not feel less than, I felt equal, I felt I had a passion, a mission, I’m on a journey and I’m no better or worse than anyone else that came here today. As we moved into the q & a portion of the program, I raised my hand stood up introduced myself , I shared my passion and plan for our troubled youth I shared my business and its benefits, I spoke MY TRUTH!…….And when it was all said and done……Well, I’ve been invited to speak and teach at two upcoming events….The keynote speaker gave me a challenge! A challenge I’m honored to have received! A challenge I accepted as soon as she completed it! A challenge that I look forward to completing………
So, I share this story because we all have the power within to go for what our hearts desire, we all face feelings of inadequacy, fear, not good enough, insecurity! It is up to each one of us to move pass these self imposed limitations and create room and space for fearlessness, confidence and self worth to believe…..”Hey if you believe it. Then you can conceive it.” ~Jay-Z~
I don’t care if you judge me, I got me. ~Yogatones~
Peace & Creativity
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