Self-Judgment and Letting go

I look at this picture of my family in Connecticut and my mind temporarily drifts back to 2001, it was then I made the decision to leave my home state and hit the road as a travel nurse. My emotions were running wild, the fear and the excitement of the unknown all hit me at once, I had the support of my family and friends and was looking for a change in life. Knowing that there was a lot of growing and soul searching I needed to do, it would not be achieved by living in the comfort of family and friends. I left Connecticut full of fear, insecure, chain smoking and over weight…..I was determined to find my true self. Atlanta was the first assignment and the greatest challenge, it was a little to far from home but at that time that’s what I thought I needed, needless to say there were many hysterical crying phone conversations with my folks and siblings in CT. I was still holding on to a love gone bad . All I focused on was the completion of my nursing assignment at Grady Memorial Hospital Newborn Intensive Care Unit. I chained smoked and drank my way through that assignment.



My love gone bad was what I held onto, my fears and lack of confidence told me that was a good idea……Needless to say it was not, the calls to the family increased as well as my fears of taking another assignment. I held on and my next assignment was in NY…You see I was really digging this travel thing but I just needed to get out of my own way, moving closer to home was the answer so after NY I headed to Boston, and here is where things began to change, the first few months I was in CT every weekend, I told myself this was ok, because my hysterical crying phone calls had become a distant memory. Truth is I was still holding on to fear, this time it was me judging myself if I did not make it here in Boston then I must be a failure……Right?? I was in the middle of my Boston assignment when the call came for my Chicago assignment….Ok, this is it I thought to myself, Chicago is the place I really wanted to be, my gut told me life would change in Chicago, so I needed to pull myself together.



I began running, I ran every other day and chained smoked after every run…..BUT I was running, and noticed my racing thoughts and fears began to subside. I tend to go big and challenge myself often in life, so it was then I decided I was going to run a marathon, my running took on a new meaning all 188 lbs of me ran five days a week followed by my smokes…….



I arrived in Chicago May 2003, and began taking yoga classes. I immediately noticed a shift in myself, nothing I could pinpoint, I was feeling awesome, the phone calls home were pleasant and filled with my latest adventure and details of my marathon training…the constant self judging began to subside and one day I put down the smokes and never looked back……..



I share this story with you because I currently find myself , judging myself and tings of fear and insecurity have surfaced……You see I’m no writer, but it has long been a desire of mine to write, I often joke that I write medical terminology, Sanskrit and slang, but to actually sit and write for all to read is overwhelming to say the least. This blog was actually created in 2007, but my fears kept me from writing …..My yoga practice and meditation have guided me to start, so here I sit typing away not attached to the lack of writing skills no fears of what others may think of my writing skills……it just feels good to write…..My Yoga practice has allowed me to remove so many self imposed obstacles and its quite refreshing to share my stories with you all! I love Yoga it has guided me into living a fearless life and its my intention to share and teach yoga to all……….Peace



Thank you, Pops, Jean (my sis) and Lindsay (dear friend) for telling me JUST DO IT…..I know like fine wine my writing will get better with time!