Love, what a beautiful word, its nice to hear, its nice to say. Love is one of those words I’ve used so often in life, to family, friends and men I’ve been in relationships with. I’ve used it without awareness to the meaning, I’ve used it to make another feel better, but most of all I’ve used it hoping the response to be I LOVE YOU TONI…….I needed the validation that I was loveable, and when I dished the word out and it was not returned I became internally hurt, wounded……I must not be a loveable person I thought, what’s wrong with me that the words are not being returned? I developed a complex that I was not loveable, this lead to my hunger to find another to love me which ultimately left me with a broken heart, and wounded soul. I would hold on to relationships with others even when it was obvious there was no love or respect, I wanted to believe if I became the person they desired then I would be loved…….
I clearly remember my first yoga class, I was the heaviest student in the class, I walked in and immediately wanted to walk out, but instead I found a spot in a corner in the back of the class where I hoped to go unnoticed. I struggled with each direction that was given by the teacher everyone else seemed to gracefully flow in and out of the poses, my mat was next to a mirror so I had to face myself as we entered and exited each pose….I put all my intention into avoiding myself in the mirror, why would I want to look at this overweight unlovable person…..The teacher took us through a series of poses that would soften the body and open the fourth chakra (The fourth chakra is connected to the heart, lungs, and thymus gland. Energizing this chakra awakens our healing powers and feelings of expansiveness and connectedness), at the time I thought this is some real hokis pokis bull shat, but I followed along with the rest of the class. I struggled with each pose never connecting to my breath, but my mind was racing and I could not wait for the class to come to a end! As we laid in savasana (final resting corpse pose ), I began to cry…I mean uncontrollable crying, I wanted the tears to stop but the kept rolling down my cheeks onto my mat…….Oh, god, oh god, I thought everyone will notice I’ve been crying when class is over….oh god, oh, god make it stop! I remember thinking what kind of spell did this teacher just cast on me. I could not move when class was over, I waited until it was just about empty then jumped up with a quickness and left, vowing to NEVER return. The next morning I awoke feeling different, lighter, peaceful…..curiosity lead me back to class and there began my yoga journey.
I share this story with you as I know that my heart opened that day in class, it opened deep within, it opened to me…….I felt loved. As I continued my practice and began learning more about yoga and its benefits I began to realize, the love I was desiring resided within, I wanted others to love me but yet I was not loving myself……Whew, that was a heavy realization….. It was then I committed myself to loving myself, honoring myself and being ok with putting my needs first. I also realized that I had never been in love, I was in lust and desire, for what I thought to be love……This realization did not change me overnight , it took time to spend time with myself listen to my needs and desires, not putting myself last but first. I’ve learned I cannot possibly love another or expect to receive love from another without loving myself first.
Today I’m a single woman in love with myself, I’m very much open to and desire to love another, but this I know and this I live……I love myself, settling for less than I deserve is not an option. Dealing with someone disregarding my feelings will not be tolerated. If and when I choose to love someone and notice that I’m giving far more than I’m receiving back, I don't hesitate to walk away because I know my self worth. It's not that I think I’m better than the other person, it's the fact that I love myself and know I would never again treat myself with disrespect or disregard for my feelings, so why allow someone else to do it?
In loving myself I know where I stand in getting the love I want and not a love that I think I need. I always have a choice to accept and love myself just the way I am and will never compromise that in order for someone to love me………..PEACE & LOVE
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