Tri Stories: Mommy & Me……
Today’s tri-story is dedicated to my BEAUTIFUL MOMMY!
Upon wakening the first thing I reached for was the phone, to call my mom, it’s because of her I’m here to train for the tri!! We get to talking and reminisce a bit about life and our journey of a relationship as mother & daughter……
A journey it has been……..I can clearly recall mom dropping me off to kindergarten first day of school, not sure why this is such a vivid memory, but it is……I held on tight to her hand as I gazed around the room my little body full of fear, as all theses faces gawked back at me…..I remember this one kid, his mouth dropped open tears streaming down his face as his mother attempt to leave him in this strange place with all these unfamiliar faces, I felt his pain but refused to join him in his cries…..”I’m a big girl now” I remember thinking, “and big girls don’t cry” ( I would learn soon enough that is such a false statement….Lol), instead I hold on a bit tighter to moms hand, hoping she’d say “OK, Toni let’s go home”...........Instead, with a few kisses on the cheek, a promise to come back to get me and a gentle let go of my hand, my mommy was gone…….
Funny, my mother always instilled a sense of independence in all of her girls ( I have 4 sisters )……”never follow the crowd”, “always be a leader”, “if you don’t know something find out the answer”…… are a few of the statements I remember. I still live by those words, I cherish them! As my school years passed and I endured some of the typical growing pains that children do…..fights with best friends, teasing from students, crushes on boy’s, confusion about where I fit in, and buckets, and buckets of tears just because I didn’t know what else to do with my growing confusion about life….my mom was right there to make it all better, telling me all was ok, not to worry but most important showing me love, I knew she loved me dearly….the word love did not flow freely in our home, it was the action and the showing of love, that's what I knew. I’d enter my teenage (13-16 ) years and I began to turn on mom, ya know, everything she said I would disagree, she became the last person I wanted to talk to or share things with, instead I seclude myself in my bedroom, listening to music and day dreaming, as I wrote in my journal…..most of those entries included things like, “I can’t wait to get out of this house”, “mommy makes me sick”, “that is so unfair” and the best one “I can’t stand living here”….Lol….I laugh now but was dead serious back then!! Well with four sisters roaming around of course there was a lot of snooping, and the day came when one of my sisters located and read my journal!! It did not take long before mommy came a knocking on the door (she DID NOT KNOCK….Lol ), informing me if I didn’t like living there I could leave, adding in “life is unfair” and “better ya learn it now from me than in the streets”, capped off with “I’ll help you pack”!!
Man back then I was sooooo angry with this woman (for NO reason )who loved me the most, she’d gone from being my idol to my worst enemy……..
Somewhere between 16-18 yo I fell in love with mommy all over again, I was to stubborn to admit it so I only gave her small doses at a time….I’m a middle child and was quite the unique child, I was extremely independent, I began working at 13 yo, very frugal with money, and always had enough to get what I wanted without asking my folks……So that independence allowed me to check out from the reality of all the female energy living in our home ( my poor pops ), instead I fantasized about my future, or I’d go sit up under my pops…..as my older sister commanded all of moms attention. Only giving my mom bits of love, I made it a point to disagree with her any chance I had, even when knowing she was right, but then in that same way I would go to her and share my most sacred thoughts, fears, and concerns……My mom had a way of making it all better, very easy to talk to and never holding my bratty behavior against me “that’s Toni” she’d say as I stomped of in a hissy fit….Lol…..I knew exactly what buttons to push and just how far I could go, and I always pulled back right at the point of no return….Lol…..Moms was nothing to play with if you took it to far!!
High School & College graduation my folks were there clapping the loudest smiling the hardest and showering me with support, my decisions were not always one’s they believed in, but they ALWAYS supported me nonetheless…..mommy would say “it’s your life Toni”, “I’ll support you on what ever you decide”………The years passed, and my love grew deeper & deeper for my mommy, people began to say how much we looked alike, I would no longer cringe, now I felt honored and proud to look like my mommy, who is the most BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in the world to me!! I began to hug and kiss her everytime I came or left her side, just like the non existence of the word love physical expression of love was not a familiar thing in our home…..it was ACTION, the action of love is what I learned, now as an adult I wanted to introduce the verbal and physical expression of love into our home, mommy was receptive, and it began hugs, and kisses and the words I LOVE YOU started to fill our walls……The balance was needed!!
I sit my parents down six months before 9/11/2001, though I was speaking with confidence I was full of nerves as I informed them I’d be moving out of Connecticut…..you could hear a pin drop after the words left my mouth…….I was in my early thirties living on my own since 21 years old, and I was still full of nerves breaking this new to them…….Pops just like I expected, cleared his throat and told me “go ahead, live your dream”, mommy, was quiet…..we played the darting eye game for a few minutes, ya know I’d look at her for expression but as soon as she looked at me I’d look away, I could feel the sadness entering our space…..”mommy what do you think, I finally asked”, “I don’t want you to go”, was her response……GULP…….my mommyis was not one to show emotion, but the shift in her energy was strong enough for me to know she was devastated by this news, I became defensive……”I wanna leave, I gotta grow up”, “there is nothing here for me”, “I can’t believe you would make me feel bad for leaving” are all the things I spouted out to her…….SILENCE……..”I just want all my kids in the same place” she’d say……..SILENCE…….Pops is now rubbing her shoulder and I’m feeling all kinds of guilty…….Conversation over, I leave and go home……
I have a aunt who is also a nurse, she had a nice long chat with my mom about the situation, then she would have a nice chat with me, “you know you girls are your moms world” she’d say, “it’s hard for her to let go”, she adds on…..”I know but this is my life and I need to GROW, find out who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing” I said to her, with a tone of please tell me you understand.“I know Toni, and you should” she responded…….SILENCE……”Go, your mom will be OK, you know she loves you”, “Go, I talked with her and she wants you to live your life” my aunt added………..I approach mommy sometime later and we hug, I cry, she holds onto me even tighter, “I’m gonna come visit” I say, “I know Toni”, “I’m so proud of you, always so independent”, “always wanting more”, are the words my mom would share with me…..”I want you to do what makes you happy, just know I’ll always be here for you”…..were her final words on the subject…….I’d leave Connecticut the end of the year…….
Peace,
T
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving
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| Mommy & Me!! |
Today’s tri-story is dedicated to my BEAUTIFUL MOMMY!
Upon wakening the first thing I reached for was the phone, to call my mom, it’s because of her I’m here to train for the tri!! We get to talking and reminisce a bit about life and our journey of a relationship as mother & daughter……
A journey it has been……..I can clearly recall mom dropping me off to kindergarten first day of school, not sure why this is such a vivid memory, but it is……I held on tight to her hand as I gazed around the room my little body full of fear, as all theses faces gawked back at me…..I remember this one kid, his mouth dropped open tears streaming down his face as his mother attempt to leave him in this strange place with all these unfamiliar faces, I felt his pain but refused to join him in his cries…..”I’m a big girl now” I remember thinking, “and big girls don’t cry” ( I would learn soon enough that is such a false statement….Lol), instead I hold on a bit tighter to moms hand, hoping she’d say “OK, Toni let’s go home”...........Instead, with a few kisses on the cheek, a promise to come back to get me and a gentle let go of my hand, my mommy was gone…….
 |
| Oh, how I LOVE this woman! |
Funny, my mother always instilled a sense of independence in all of her girls ( I have 4 sisters )……”never follow the crowd”, “always be a leader”, “if you don’t know something find out the answer”…… are a few of the statements I remember. I still live by those words, I cherish them! As my school years passed and I endured some of the typical growing pains that children do…..fights with best friends, teasing from students, crushes on boy’s, confusion about where I fit in, and buckets, and buckets of tears just because I didn’t know what else to do with my growing confusion about life….my mom was right there to make it all better, telling me all was ok, not to worry but most important showing me love, I knew she loved me dearly….the word love did not flow freely in our home, it was the action and the showing of love, that's what I knew. I’d enter my teenage (13-16 ) years and I began to turn on mom, ya know, everything she said I would disagree, she became the last person I wanted to talk to or share things with, instead I seclude myself in my bedroom, listening to music and day dreaming, as I wrote in my journal…..most of those entries included things like, “I can’t wait to get out of this house”, “mommy makes me sick”, “that is so unfair” and the best one “I can’t stand living here”….Lol….I laugh now but was dead serious back then!! Well with four sisters roaming around of course there was a lot of snooping, and the day came when one of my sisters located and read my journal!! It did not take long before mommy came a knocking on the door (she DID NOT KNOCK….Lol ), informing me if I didn’t like living there I could leave, adding in “life is unfair” and “better ya learn it now from me than in the streets”, capped off with “I’ll help you pack”!!
 |
| Moms is NOT a big fan of pictures......Sooo don't tell here she's posted on my blog....tee-hee |
Somewhere between 16-18 yo I fell in love with mommy all over again, I was to stubborn to admit it so I only gave her small doses at a time….I’m a middle child and was quite the unique child, I was extremely independent, I began working at 13 yo, very frugal with money, and always had enough to get what I wanted without asking my folks……So that independence allowed me to check out from the reality of all the female energy living in our home ( my poor pops ), instead I fantasized about my future, or I’d go sit up under my pops…..as my older sister commanded all of moms attention. Only giving my mom bits of love, I made it a point to disagree with her any chance I had, even when knowing she was right, but then in that same way I would go to her and share my most sacred thoughts, fears, and concerns……My mom had a way of making it all better, very easy to talk to and never holding my bratty behavior against me “that’s Toni” she’d say as I stomped of in a hissy fit….Lol…..I knew exactly what buttons to push and just how far I could go, and I always pulled back right at the point of no return….Lol…..Moms was nothing to play with if you took it to far!!
High School & College graduation my folks were there clapping the loudest smiling the hardest and showering me with support, my decisions were not always one’s they believed in, but they ALWAYS supported me nonetheless…..mommy would say “it’s your life Toni”, “I’ll support you on what ever you decide”………The years passed, and my love grew deeper & deeper for my mommy, people began to say how much we looked alike, I would no longer cringe, now I felt honored and proud to look like my mommy, who is the most BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in the world to me!! I began to hug and kiss her everytime I came or left her side, just like the non existence of the word love physical expression of love was not a familiar thing in our home…..it was ACTION, the action of love is what I learned, now as an adult I wanted to introduce the verbal and physical expression of love into our home, mommy was receptive, and it began hugs, and kisses and the words I LOVE YOU started to fill our walls……The balance was needed!!
 |
| Haha.....She's gonna get me for this one!! Love ya mommy.... |
I sit my parents down six months before 9/11/2001, though I was speaking with confidence I was full of nerves as I informed them I’d be moving out of Connecticut…..you could hear a pin drop after the words left my mouth…….I was in my early thirties living on my own since 21 years old, and I was still full of nerves breaking this new to them…….Pops just like I expected, cleared his throat and told me “go ahead, live your dream”, mommy, was quiet…..we played the darting eye game for a few minutes, ya know I’d look at her for expression but as soon as she looked at me I’d look away, I could feel the sadness entering our space…..”mommy what do you think, I finally asked”, “I don’t want you to go”, was her response……GULP…….my mommy
I have a aunt who is also a nurse, she had a nice long chat with my mom about the situation, then she would have a nice chat with me, “you know you girls are your moms world” she’d say, “it’s hard for her to let go”, she adds on…..”I know but this is my life and I need to GROW, find out who I am and what I’m supposed to be doing” I said to her, with a tone of please tell me you understand.“I know Toni, and you should” she responded…….SILENCE……”Go, your mom will be OK, you know she loves you”, “Go, I talked with her and she wants you to live your life” my aunt added………..I approach mommy sometime later and we hug, I cry, she holds onto me even tighter, “I’m gonna come visit” I say, “I know Toni”, “I’m so proud of you, always so independent”, “always wanting more”, are the words my mom would share with me…..”I want you to do what makes you happy, just know I’ll always be here for you”…..were her final words on the subject…….I’d leave Connecticut the end of the year…….
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| My CRAZY, beautiful family....(one sister missing from photo)... |
My mom & pops are two of my biggest supporters, they love me unconditionally, boost me up as well as keep me grounded……..our conversations are not always often, but they are full of love when we have them, each parent always letting me know how proud they are of me, and me letting them both know it’s because of them I am who I am today!! That’s how each conversation ends “Toni I’m so proud of you”, each parent say’s……
I think about how EXTREMLEY BLESSED I am to have a mommy like mine!! As we talked this morning, I could feel the pure love coming through the phone line, my thoughts flashed back to us, just me and my mommy, our laughs, disagreements, her never ending love and support and most important hearing the words I LOVE YOU TONI flow from her mouth into my ears…..I LOVE YOU TOO MOMMY!!
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| My BEAUTIFUL FAMILY!! (one sister missing from photo) Peace, Love & Happy Mother's Day Y'all! |
T
A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts. ~Washington Irving
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