I received a phone call this week, from a dear friend, she’s one of those people I’m sure I was supposed to meet on this journey….A nurse, possibly 60yo hard outer shell, but soft and full of love within….its rather ironic that she called, its been just about two years since we last spoke. My heart & Face lit up as I listened to her inbox message….She’s old, old, skool momma type, always speaking that old school knowledge, she was honest, nurturing, a colleague and friend…..Always supportive, extremely patient and tolerant, of me as I transitioned from working at a North Side Hospital, Newborn Intensive Care Unit to a South Side Hospital Pediatric Emergency Room……I was a MESS…..the transition was life changing for many reasons, I’ve worked in many community hospitals and have been witness to heart wrenching stories and devastating tragedies …..so that was not the reason……It just was never ending heart ache there, just when you thought you’ve heard it all….well, the next trauma or tragedy is coming through the door….there is no time to reflect on the last one, you must snap back into nurse mode, someone else needs your help…….non stop, for twelve hours, you may get lucky and steal 5 minutes to sit down and eat…but not likely, BUT a bathroom break is what you will get for sure at some point………That's just not healthy for the mind, which shows in the body and spirit…….It trickles into the work environment, leaving it toxic.
I can remember my first few months in the ER…..AWFUL, absolutely AWFUL!! I was way out of my comfort zone, the environment required me to toughen up and sometimes be downright ugly!! Out of all the units I worked on in my career the energy on this one was toxic. I could feel myself unraveling, but like I’ve said before I tend to challenge myself, so quitting so soon was not a option. My friends and family kept suggesting I quit, within the first three months…….I was not going to give in that easy…..By this time I was determined to give it at least a year, I was practicing yoga with my teachers five days a week and my home yoga & meditation practice was decent. I began getting involved in other hospital opportunities, so it took me away from the constant ER environment……..I stayed on.
My second year I was living a double life, overnight while working I was a “tough” sometimes rude ER nurse, during the day a peaceful yogi (teacher in training)….Ahhrrrrrgggghhhh! Something had to give, I was literally getting unhealthy by the moment….my mind became occupied with racing thoughts, my body received its nutrition from horrible food choices, and my soul became depressed…..I was breathing just enough to function……I began taking hidden moments at work to move through yoga poses or to ground and breathe…..We had this small “lab” near the nurses station, we held urine samples, blood samples….etc…It was my place to go and just breathe, I would ground myself, close my eyes and focus exclusively on my breath……I could feel my nerves calming instantly, then I would move into a standing forward bend ( Uttanasana ), allowing myself to stretch my spine and release tightness in my legs and lower back, its also calming and gave me a few moments to let go and revive, letting go of stress, time to breathe and release…These moments of practicing yoga became my way of survival on the job.
Three months after graduating from my Yoga Teacher Training Program……It was this dear friend who pulled me together that evening as I was clearly coming undone, it was her who pulled me to the side and sat quietly as I cried, she listened to me as I babbled on about how I was living two different lives and how it was not working any more….it was her who stopped me from walking out on the spot….It was her who said “sometimes you must completely close one door Toni, in order for another to open” It was her who let me know it was OK to quit……As this week has been full of reflection, her call took me back to a moment I never looked back on, I’ve actually avoided looking back on it.
Today as I moved through my practice I found myself moving with a lighter heart, something I’ve been holding onto for two years has finally been put to rest, reflecting on that evening and completely letting go of any emotions I’ve been holding onto positive or negative, felt good………I’m ready to completely move on!
Thanks for the phone call friend…….
Peace
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