So as 2009 came to a close I committed to writing a blog, the New Year began my vision board up, off I went!! 17 days later I’m feeling slightly disappointed in my commitment to my blog. I’ve let it take the back seat once again. I have a excuse for everyday I have not bloged one being better than the other……..I’ve come to the realization that this is my "MO" whenever I hold fear to something , be it personal or professional…..The word COMMIT, makes my soul shutter…..There I said it, so now its time to get to the root of it! I’ve had the opportunity to remain commitment free, even when I’ve desired to commit to something or someone, once it becomes to routine or predictable I need to change it up.
Last year I gave up TV to free up time I was spending glued to CNN, MSNBC, MTV, BET, VHI……etc.... My intention at the time was to read and write more, well I did began reading more….yep, reading the internet and all the stories that it holds, I found myself once again glued to someone else’s story. I began to feel like an addict, why am I so interested in the on goings of others when I continuously tell myself I’m getting to know myself!?! This awareness allowed me to decrease the time spent on the internet reading all the top celebrity stories, but then I added FB to the mix……well that became a addiction like no other. I mean I can sit at home and connect and reconnect with people, read about their lives and view photos! What! Awwww sookie now!! My writing and reading took the back seat yet again……….Arrgh, hump! This is getting old I began to say out loud, but I could not stop, when not logged on at home, I was sure not to miss a beat because I have my lovely black berry, yayyyy FB on demand wooo hooo!
As 2010 rolled in, my vision board greets me as I reach for the OJ every morning ( I hung it up on my refrigerator ) I began to feel…..I began to think…..My life as I desired was staring back at me. The first week alone three of my visions came to life! This shook me a little, I was not expecting that at all, well not that quick……. I‘ve been trying to obtain all three for a couple of years and here in one week they are a reality…..whoa, whoa….. I had to take a breath….I’ve recently been blessed with a awesome opportunity to share my voice, speak my truth, share my knowledge…..My dream come true, my fears come alive. As a nurse and a teacher I’ve spoken to many, but the thought of speaking my personal truth out loud is oh so overwhelming……I must let go of this fear….
I asked God for guidance, and as usually he has come through, not necessarily the way I would have liked but that’s how he rolls. My computer and black berry checked out on me less than 24 hours after I asked for guidance. I will admit, I FREAKED out! No internet, no FB access on the bus, train, walking ,chilling, what am I going to do……OMG! Geek Squad and T-mobile here I come! I’m not joking when I tell you I was standing outside T mobile the next day waiting for them to open the doors…..Yep, I sure was…..That was after talking with RCN technician till 1:00 am , because it had to be a problem with my wireless, I mean my computer is less than six month old……I looked like a addict standing in front of T mobile with blood shot eyes, shivering in 20 degree temps, holding onto my lap top ( 2nd stop geek squad).
I had a very important meeting the next day with someone I admire and respect, it was this person who out of the blue called me up and presented me with one opportunity that opened the next and the next. As we walked through the corridors of the hospital I was introduced to so many people, I walked in with a average stack of business cards and walked out with none! I was overwhelmed as I processed my upcoming obligations…..Thank you God was all I could say over and over again ( in my head ) as we walked from office to office, the words that were used to describe me left me looking around, just to make sure it was me that was being spoken about…….Whoooooooa nelly…..Breathe, breathe, breathe, was all I could do as I answered questions about me……inhale, exhale….Hold it down Yogatones, hold it down. I raced from that place shaken to the core, in a very positive way but shaken none the less. I called my sister Jean on her job and began to talk, I missed the part when she stated “I’m in a meeting Tone” oops….OK, got to deal with this on my own. As I waited for my train back into the city, my thoughts calmed and I began to meditate, right there on the train platform.
Back in the city as I walked back to my apartment I knew things were going to change! 24 hours ago the Geek squad had offered to rush and fix my computer after my display of addiction the day before and my BB is covered under insurance, so I could receive my new one in 24 hours!! But I did neither, My computer problem allows me to use wifi hot spots and T mobile gave me a loner phone, no internet access. The day before the above solutions had me in tears and 24 hours later it gave me peace……….I asked for guidance and I received it.
I will take my computer in and I will call the insurance company and have my BB replaced……But, not just yet…..I’ve been reading and today I write on my blog at a local Argo Tea. I even check my face book daily, and will continue to do so, the difference is when I head home I’m disconnected from it all……I like that, hell I’m lovin’ it! I’ve taken the blog writing pressure off myself, I’ll write when I write. My commitment to read more is still the priority, and I stand strong on that. I must mention this; on the desk of this person that I receive great inspiration from, was the book “Fearless” by Max Lucado I inquired about the book and it was suggested that I read it……Not buy it, but go to the library take it out and read it, this way I’m under a return date, I like that suggestion. I’m committing to reading one book per month, not limited to one but read at least one.
The journey of discovering your true self, will take you places within you have avoided…..I’m cool with that…..I began this journey of mine 9 years ago, I’m so enjoying getting to know me, learning how to let go and let life in…..Not just letting life in, but living life as my heart desires……I’m humbled and blessed along the way and welcome the self imposed obstacles I encounter, the release of tears and fears are leading me to the authentic me……All I need is to slow down, meditate, breathe, and practice my yoga…
“ fearlessness to me is when you recognize you should be scared of things, but do them anyway” ~Yogatones~
Peace & Fearlessness
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