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| Its all about the Ying & Yang |
Yup, that’s what I am…….You’d think I’d be happy to admit to that (at one point I was)…..Nope.
I’ve let myself get all caught up in myself and let things I have absolutely no control of play in my head ……This tri training has unleashed my creativity into overdrive, I can't seem to catch up with myself or stop grasping for results to things in life that I know only time will bring…..Uggghhhh…….Back before I took up yoga & meditation I would have periods of racing thoughts, I mean actual racing thoughts like there was a marathon going on in my mind and I was just a vehicle not the actual runner…..it left me anxious, fearful and moody. My practice of yoga and meditation got me so in tuned with myself that the racing completely stopped, once I let go of fear and the constant need to control. Always being one to operate from within, creating the next thing or leading others in the right direction, I grew to expect nothing but the best from myself and anyone I’m completing a task with. I became known for “getting it done’ and being a leader, dependable, committed ……I like that reputation…..But like with anything in life to much of anything is never a good thing, and I’ve put such high expectations on myself lately, that I’m feeling a bit mindfully overwhelmed…..Ugghhh…
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| Meditation |
Yesterday being my day off from the gym, I awoke and sat for my meditation….I could immediately feel the disconnect with myself….I never became truly grounded within, I began thinking of all the projects, dedlines and expectations I had placed onto myself (I tried to let go) ……I didn’t sit very long because I began to feel weepy emotions creep up and thought to myself “not today, you don’t have time for tears today, so get up!“ I got up from my meditation and dug into task at hand. I noticed I was not giving my best to any of them, and begin thinking that things that I want to come to life are not coming quick enough, and wooo is me, and so on and so on…….I was on a roll! I worked until 1:00 am….doing what….I wish I knew….just doing and not even aware of what I was really trying to do. Well I blew my sleep habits for sure as I got into bed around 1:30, attached to all the thoughts going on. Nevertheless I jumped out of bed before time this morning and began my day ( I don’t like this feeling).
As I sat for meditation this morning, I began to internally battle with myself, “I will not move through today so attached to what I cant control” I say to myself , as my eyes close I find my breath, I connect with it then I immediately loose contact with it…..sigh….I swallow hard then inhale once again….I find my breath, my internal gaze begins to rest in my third eye center and I feel a rush of calm take over…..as soon as the calm settles in, I slip into a deep meditation, I chant, I breath I feel, the release of my attachment…..I'm brought out of my meditation by a steady stream of tears running down my face, cold as they hit my shoulders and chest, yet medicinal as I feel the heaviness lift from within…..”I’ve got to chill out” I say to myself once I’m out….I move to the mirror and take a good look at myself…..Pink tinged swollen eyes, runny nose and the look of defeat is what stares back at me….I walk away……Moving into a headstand, I hold the pose with ease, I let all thoughts melt away and I breath….I could feel my blood rushing from my feet to my head, my body seemed to get lighter and lighter and my breath was flowing with such ease….12 minutes later I move out of the headstand into child’s pose. Lying in my final resting pose, I notice I’ve let go of the mind chatter completely, my heart felt a bit lighter and I say to myself again “ya gotta chill out” I inhale……exhale……“put it out and let it go, follow the path and watch life flow” I say. I get up and head down to my spinning class.
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| Opening the chakras |
As per usual the class was pumping, there were a lot of people in class today, I always choose the same bike, so as I begin to peddle I get a surge of energy in my body, Heather (the teacher) begins things with a nice climb to Sade’s Solider of Love ( I begin to slip into a zone) then we pick it up with some runs and the sweat begins to pour off my body, I look down and I see big drops of sweat hitting the floor beneath me, I keep moving….we enter a 4 minute ride up the hill in pure darkness (all lights in studio are off) I ride, I sweat, I let go……When the lights come back up and I hear Beyonce belting out “a little sweat never hurt nobody” I peddle harder and faster, and as we come back to the onto saddle I look down and the drops of sweat have now created a full out puddle of water beneath me…..I inhale, exhale, towel off take a gulp of water and smile within……"See ya mind chatter" I think to myself……Pablo and I chill for a minute after class, I begin talking to him about my training, my business and my need to be the VERY BEST at anything I take on, but I also talk to him about knowing how unhealthy that can be and ultimately how it will lead to negative out comes. Pablo shares some of his personal journey with me, just talking to him and saying things out loud left me feeling a bit of clarity and peace re-enter me.
Oh, I’m learning so much about myself…..I’m a leader, I’m a teacher, I’m a lover of peace and love….I’m driven to be the very best I can be……I’m a loner, and a doer….I want it done my way so there is no one to look at when things don’t work out……I’m a overachiever within……I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but like with anything else I’ve got to really let go of things I can’t control…..I’ve got to work on my need to control things I put into action……Meditation this morning told me that, my strong headstand told me that, the puddle of sweat beneath my feet told me that and Pablo told me that…..I never said I was perfect…..NOPE……I’m a work in progress……and this training and unleashing of creativity is definitely teaching me a lot about myself……..exhaling……I’m on this journey and through awareness, sweat and tears, I will grow more and more each day………I’m taking a emotional BREAK!
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| Gotta let go... |
Peace,
T
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